So I had a dream.......well.........I have dreams all the time. I love my dreams. I CHERISH my dreams. I've always had this intuitive desire to pay attention to my dreams. I can remember as far back as late elementary school having a dream journal and dream interpretation book. Dreams, to me, offer us a strong connection to our true self, higher purpose, and intuition on paths we need to follow when we are awake.
And a then a few weeks ago, I had a dream that revealed to me that I still haven't released the hurt from my ex. Yes!!!.......The infamous ex!....is still haunting me. If that's not annoying enough, the dream was accompanied with the lovely gift of sleep paralysis(if you dont know what dream paralysis is read below). Just imagine waking up feeling terrified and annoyed at the same time........it was not the best feeling. When I woke up, my immediate thoughts were:
" I thought I already dealt with this!"
Seriously, in my head I thought I was good! I moved on. I've been dating a lot....so yeah, I'm good right?.............WRONG. It turns out I internalized a new reality that I never knew I accepted. For a while, deep deep deep DEEP DEEP down I knew I was holding on to this hurt. I denied it to myself but, it showed in my actions. While dating, I found myself playing the 'victim', and being angry and frustrated with my 'misfortune' thinking why is this happening to me? AGAIN? But as a quick fix to move on, I 'found my fault' ,in each situation as a means of comfort, instead of feeling how I really felt. It was MUCH easier then dealing with my emotions. Dealing with my emotions to me meant that I was accepting defeat, that he won, and he would be getting away with what he did too easily(i.e. accepting a humiliating degree of fragility).
But what I learned, is that thought process was doing more damage to my self than helping. Even though, in my head, I was being this 'bigger person', I would still have these quiet moments where I would second guess myself, my values and my decisions. For me it seemed 'mature' to be 'honest' by taking ownership in any unfortunate situations. But in that, I wasn't being kind and vulnerable to myself and it in turn evolved, to me constantly not trusting my myself and looking for the validations of my feelings from others.
Anyway, the night I had that dream, I finally had that long awaited moment of honesty with myself because I was tired of not being real with myself and having dreams about an ex is irking. So, I sat in my room and really had a brutal honest conversation with myself about why I was hurt, and then I gave MYSELF permission to feel what I was feeling and then suddenly:
All of these feelings came up.
RAGE. INSULT. DISGRACE. EMBARRASSMENT.
I felt them.
Some shit is just that uncomfortable to face(for whatever reason) and you need to feel it in or order to get to the positive instead of forcing yourself to move on. If someone made you feel less than. You dont deserve to hold onto to anything. What they did is not your fault. And you don't need to blame yourself for whatever internal issues they were dealing with that were then projected onto you.
Through all of that I learned, it is out of our control to make a person feel how they made you feel. If you don’t forgive the people who have hurt you, or the people who you are angry at, you are leaving that wound open. Close the wound. That wound needs to close/heal because any hurt similar to that will just piles up in that same section feeling the same way even though it "looks different". Its time to shut that down so you can *Boom* MOVE. ON. That’s the law of the universe. What we think, say, do and believe will have a corresponding effect on others and the universe around us. And if you don’t believe your feelings are genuine, real, and legitimate, then you are denying your TRUE self and more importantly a TRUE experience to the universe around you. All self denial does is create anxiety, blocking your inner guidance, strength, and resilience.
You have every right to your emotions. Note it. Be kind to your thoughts but always be honest about them.
They are trying to tell you something.
*side note* To offer perspective, I will explain what Sleep Paralysis is by what they mean to me, while avoiding going to deep into metaphysics.
Sleep Paralysis can be some scary ISH!! It is something I experience every now and again. Sleep Paralysis, formally defined, is a momentary inability to move one’s body despite being fully conscious, may occur when someone is either drifting off or, more rarely, waking up. It can be very terrifying to experience. As for me, they are not too scary anymore because with awareness it has become easier to navigate. There are a gazillion different(rather frightening) explanations for why they occur. But I have chosen, to view them as an indicator that a 'life breakthrough' is on its way and I need to be courageous to step into it when it comes.(Read more about it here).